Articles

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

April 2004

Many of my clients have concerns about bringing a new animal into their existing animal family. A recent experience in my own household demonstrates how challenging this process can be.

Dobby stood in the corner of the room, head low and a sullen look in his eyes. My happy, slobbering Newfoundland who, up until that moment had lived in a perpetual state of contentment, was now standing away from me barely making eye contact. The cause of this marked change in his behavior was none other than an eight-week-old Standard Poodle puppy named Jordie.

Before deciding to add a puppy to the mix I had talked with my two dogs, Nick and Dobby, to see if they had any concerns or if there was anything in particular they would like to see in a new family member. Nick, my current service dog, was eagerly looking towards retirement and was just happy to know I was looking for someone to start training to take over his job at some point in the future. But Dobby, now that was another story. Dobby couldn't understand why I needed another puppy. At 2 1/2 years of age, Dobby had always been the puppy in our home from his perspective. As a matter of fact, I often called him by saying, "Where's the puppy?" and he would come bounding over to me. Although Dobby was pretty much done growing physically, he really liked being thought of as the puppy and without an actual puppy around to compare himself to, he clearly viewed himself that way.

I explained to Dobby I needed another helper dog and I was hoping this puppy might be able to do that work for me when he grew up. I also knew how much Dobby loved playing with Nick so I also told him when Nick retired he would be available to play with Dobby all day long, instead of being out during the day working with me. Dobby wasn't entirely convinced by either of these points, but agreed he would be willing to try it on one condition: I was not to call this new dog "the puppy." That title needed to be reserved for Dobby. I could call the new dog the baby, the little dog, the new guy, anything but the puppy. I agreed.

On the day I brought Jordie home he was still small enough to fit in a cat carrier. I separated the two older dogs, concerned they might step on the puppy if I introduced them all at once. With Dobby looking on from the laundry room, I opened the cat carrier and scooped Jordie out, bringing him to Nick's nose for a good sniff. Then I placed Jordie on the ground and Nick snuffled him from head to toe and promptly began playing with him. No problems there. Jordie and Nick hit it off right away, bobbing and gnawing on each other. I joked that Nick knew this was his ticket out of work and so he was thrilled to have Jordie on board.

Then I moved Nick out of the room, picked up Jordie and let Dobby lumber into the kitchen with us. In contrast to Dobby, Jordie was a study in bounding energy and forward propulsion. Everything was new and exciting and worthy of chewing on or at least peeing on. Ignoring the wriggling bundle in my other hand, Dobby immediately placed his head under my free hand to be petted. As I did this, I brought Jordie closer to Dobby. Dobby slumped to the floor and looked at Jordie unapprovingly. I explained again to Dobby why I had brought Jordie home. Then I placed Jordie on the floor. Jordie immediately ran over to Dobby, jumping at his face and barking. That was enough. Dobby got up and moved over to the kitchen gate, wanting to get away from this toothy fluff ball. I let Dobby out with Nick, hoping the next day would be slightly better between the two. It wasn't. No matter how much extra attention I gave Dobby, he just wasn't willing to give an inch to Jordie. Then, a few days later I made a monumental error.

All three dogs were in my living room. Nick and Jordie were playing. Dobby was watching from the corner of the room when I said it. Jordie rounded the backside of the couch out of sight and I said, "Where's the puppy?" As soon as the words left my mouth I knew I had made a bad mistake. I looked over at Dobby, and he was crushed. Despite my best intentions not to do it, I had given up Dobby's special name to this new dog, along with the feeling that went with it. There was no taking it back. The damage was done.

For the next two months, Dobby stayed across the room from me any time Jordie was around. He was a sad sight, with his naturally drooping eyelids and his head hanging as low to the ground as possible. I felt so sorry for him and I was also angry with myself for messing up my end of the deal.

I could have just let it go, hoping Dobby would get over it, but I knew there had to be a better way for Dobby to understand this new relationship. After two solid months of spending extra time with Dobby and making big fusses over him with no resulting change in his mood, I tried another tactic. I started explaining to Dobby about all the things I liked that Dobby could do, but Jordie was unable to do. I didn't share the thought that Jordie would soon learn many of these behaviors or tasks; I just focused on the fact that Dobby was currently better and smarter in these areas. I explained to Dobby he was smarter because he wasn't a puppy any more, and if he wanted he could even teach things to the less competent puppy. Dobby liked the idea of being better than Jordie at certain activities. I explained to Dobby if he were really the puppy, he wouldn't be able to do a lot of the fun things he likes to do because he would have to be on a leash or in a crate for housebreaking. He remembered that time in his life and he agreed he liked things much better now.

Later that day I saw Dobby give one good playful bat in Jordie's direction with his giant front paw. That was all the encouragement Jordie needed to leap over to Dobby and begin chewing on him. Dobby just stood there letting Jordie's tiny jaws clamp down around his rear legs and tail. With his head held high, Dobby let this go on for a few minutes and then turned and gave a snarly growl. Jordie stopped chewing for a moment and backed off. Then as if nothing had happened, Jordie jumped back at Dobby and started chewing again. Dobby stood there panting quietly until Jordie got tired and let go. From there on out, their relationship was forever changed. Dobby took on the role of adult dog, allowing for play and demanding periods of rest. For his part, Jordie pushed playing relentlessly, but learned to back off when Dobby clearly had enough.

Though the relationship between Dobby and Jordie had not gone as I had hoped at the start, I was able to help Dobby see the situation from a new perspective. I made it clear what I loved in him and what made him unique. I also made sure to tell him where he fit into the family, what I thought he could do, and what I expected of him. With this new knowledge, Dobby had risen to the occasion and found his balance once again.

When faced with a similar situation, you don't need to feel helpless that peace will never return to your household. With some talking and some reframing, you too can blend new animal members into your family.

© Polly Klein 2004. Polly Klein, owner of Tonglen Healing Arts for Animals, is an animal communicator, Reiki Master and Certified Animal CranioSacral Therapist. You can contact her on-line at www.tonglenhealingarts.com.