Tonglen Healing Arts for Animals

Articles

When Are You Coming Back?

October 2003

Ellen called me when she was getting ready to travel to see her family back east. She didn’t know how to explain to her cat, Charlotte, that Charlotte would not be coming along on the trip. She had never left Charlotte for a period longer than a week, and the last time she traveled back to her family she brought Charlotte along. It had proven to be a stressful trip for both of them. Charlotte didn’t like going in the plane, and Ellen didn’t like being worried about Charlotte in the plane. So for this trip, a pet sitter would be coming to Ellen’s house to care for Charlotte.

When I first talked with Charlotte about this arrangement, she was not happy about it. I asked Charlotte if she remembered what it was like the last time she was on a plane, and she showed me a picture of herself being very anxious. I explained to her that Ellen would feel this same feeling if she made Charlotte go in a plane again. Charlotte told me she didn’t want to make Ellen worry, and so agreed it would be better to stay home.

I described the pet sitter coming to the house and how the pet sitter would take care of her. Charlotte understood and accepted the situation, although she said she didn’t want to be forced to interact with this stranger coming into the house. Charlotte had never interacted with strangers in the past, so Ellen decided to have the sitter spend time with Charlotte prior to the trip so they would be familiar with each other. I also assured Charlotte that the sitter would feed and care for her, would be happy to pet or play with her if she wanted, and that no one would force Charlotte to do anything while Ellen was gone.

When Ellen returned ten days later from her trip, the pet sitter reported that everything had gone well, except Charlotte was nowhere to be seen each time the sitter came into the house. This made it impossible for the pet sitter to check on Charlotte’s physical well-being.

The next time Ellen had to go away, we talked with Charlotte again. I explained to her that the same pet sitter was coming to take care of her and asked if she had any concerns about the sitter. Charlotte didn’t have any complaints, but simply didn’t want to be out with a stranger in the house. I explained to her that Ellen would be talking to the pet sitter part way through her trip to check on Charlotte, and so she could reassure Ellen the sitter needed at least to see Charlotte every time she came to the house. Charlotte agreed that she was willing to allow herself to be seen to keep from worrying Ellen. I thanked Charlotte.

Ellen left on her trip, and the pet sitter came by each day to take care of Charlotte. Charlotte, being true to her word, made a brief showing each time the sitter came. She appeared just long enough for the sitter to see she was in one piece, and then vanished. The pet sitter was happy, Ellen was happy, and Charlotte was still in control of the situation.

For many of us, it is hard to have extended time away from our animal family. We worry about their well-being while we are gone. We know there is a disruption to their daily routines and we never want them to feel abandoned. Talking with our animals when we do need to leave can be very helpful for everyone.

Barney, a mid-sized black shaggy dog, always went to the same kennel when his person went away. The people who ran the kennel seemed to genuinely like Barney, and Barney always seemed happy to arrive at the kennel and happy when he was picked up. Barney’s person wanted to know if there was anything he wished were different or better about his time at the kennel. Barney agreed he did like both the place and the people. He thought the people were safe and kind. However, the one thing Barney didn’t like about going was he never knew how long he would be staying or when his human would be returning for him. This is the most common thing I hear from animals when I talk with them about their human going away. Basically, how long is this break from my person going to be? For many animals, this is the only thing standing in the way of having a fun time at dog camp or extra cuddle time in the house with a favorite pet sitter. If they don’t know when their human will return, they can feel left behind. I always encourage people to let their animals know exactly how long they intend to be away.

When I show an animal time, I do it by sending the image of a day and night cycle. If I will be leaving my animals overnight, I show them what the daylight looks like when I am leaving. Then I show the daylight changing into evening, then darkness, and then the sun coming up again. I explain I will be home when they have seen a nighttime and a daytime. If I will be gone for many days, I show my animals one day/night cycle, then tell them how many cycles they will see until I return. This way they understand what is going on.

You can also bvdco this with your own animals if you are on a daily work schedule that changes. When you leave, simply show them how much daylight there will be when you return by picturing it in your mind and showing yourself with the animal again. You can also show your animal a picture of itself feeling calm and safe in the house alone while you are gone. This makes even short times away less stressful for your animals.

Try these steps the next time you need to leave your animal. First picture the sun arcing across the sky, setting, and then rising again. Second, say out loud or think to the animal the number of these day to night cycles they will see while you are gone. Then imagine a picture of your animal resting calmly in the house without you and/or enjoying time with the person who will care for them while you are gone. Finally, show yourself coming back through the door and happily being with your animal again. This is a great way to show your animal what to expect, and your animal will be more at ease while you are gone.